do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
