I want to walk on stilts...naked
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
