Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
