so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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