five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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