god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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