I met the friendliest cop last night
Quick, to the slutcave!
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
