I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
