Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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