I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
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