i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
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