yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
