so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
