i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
