sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
