Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
you inspire me to be a worse person
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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