I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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