We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
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he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
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When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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