I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
