i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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