I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
