saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Ladies don't puke and tell
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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