the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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