When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
