She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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