Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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