Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
