Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
