i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
