It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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