dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
