my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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