Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You dont lie about slip and slides
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
