She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
