Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
