She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
