I think I won the penis lottery.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
