I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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