hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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