Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You are the jesus of drinking
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
