i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
