just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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