Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
