Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
