Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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