it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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