I could make wine with my vomit
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
