I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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