You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
