i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
