I want to make a zoo with you.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
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