My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
