I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
