My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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