No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
