he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
