I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
