Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
